Metta, Karuna, Mudita, Upekkha – four qualities that change the way we interact
Loving-kindness (Metta), compassion (Karuna), appreciation (Mudita), and equanimity (Upekkha) – these are the so-called Brahmaviharas. When they are alive in a relationship, they give us openness of heart, trust, and a sense of security – with others and with ourselves.
The human being as a relational being
Humans are not made to be alone. We live in community, form families and friendships, share joys and sorrows. We need this sense of belonging – otherwise we feel lost, no matter how “successful” we may seem to the outside world.
The Buddha knew this too. That is why he founded the Sangha, a community in which people support each other on the path. Because relationships shape us – very deeply, for good and for ill.
How we relate can look very different:
- Sometimes they are power structures or dependencies.
- Sometimes an unspoken “If you are nice to me, I am nice to you.”
- Sometimes just superficial politeness.
And unfortunately, we also know the dark sides: relationships that are characterized by fear, pressure, longing, anger, or even aggression. That can be very hurtful.
But it can also be different. Relationships can be nourishing if they are supported by qualities such as kindness, compassion, appreciation, and inner balance. The Buddha called these four the Brahmaviharas.
What does “Brahmavihara” mean?
The word sounds unusual at first. Translated, it means something like “the sublime abode” or “divine rest”. Sounds a bit solemn perhaps – but what is meant is something very human: an inner state of calm, security, and being sheltered. A place in the heart where we feel at home.
And he attributed a considerable amount of importance to these qualities. They not only help to get into meditative absorption, they also free our heart-mind (citta) from the dynamics and patterns that constrict and limit us, and thus help us to walk the path to the goal of practice: the peace and freedom that the Buddha calls awakening.
The four qualities in everyday life
Metta – Kindness
Metta is derived from the Sanskrit word mitra: “friend.” It is about a kindness that does not depend on whether we like someone or not. True friendship means reliability, acceptance, presence – and a benevolence that expects no return.
Metta does not have to be “love” in the romantic sense. It can mean giving someone space, even if they are stressing us out – without harshness or rejection.
Karuna – Care and Compassion
Karuna focuses on how the other person is doing – on their needs, feelings, and challenges. We show a certain willingness to empathize with the other person instead of just perceiving ourselves. We allow ourselves to be touched by the other. Karuna can show itself as compassion, but it does not always have to be connected with a suffering counterpart. It can also express itself in caring for someone who is not in need – we wish them joy and contentment or make sure that they continue to be well.
Mudita – Appreciation and Joy
Mudita is our ability to appreciate and rejoice that we and others are doing well. It enables us to recognize the beautiful, good, and wholesome in ourselves and others and to acknowledge and celebrate what supports, nourishes, and enriches us. From the beauty of nature to an action that is beautiful because it expresses an ethical attitude. Gratitude, joy, and the feeling of being gifted and supported are all facets of Mudita. Mudita helps us to feel internally full – in a world that is often characterized by comparisons and a scarcity mindset.
Upekkha – Impartiality and Inner Balance
Upekkha means balance – not indifference. It means not immediately acting out of one’s own preferences or aversions, but asking: “What does the situation really need?”
Sometimes Upekkha means consciously distancing oneself in order not to be swept away in the vortex of one’s own reactions. It is about inner spaciousness – the heart remains open, even when the waves are high. Upekkha shows itself to others as fairness and impartiality – I treat you as a human being, as a counterpart, with fundamental respect and not out of my (pre)judgments, my own plans and interests. Fundamental respect and ethical rules of the game grow out of this inner balance.
Brahmaviharas in practice
Sometimes the practice of the Brahmaviharas is heavily romanticized: Just sit down, repeat a few sentences – and you are full of compassion. In reality, it is work. These qualities grow through practice, through trying things out, through mistakes and new beginnings.
In this way we learn to distinguish them from similar but less wholesome attitudes. For example, indifference is not Upekkha. Pity and compassion are not the same as Karuna.
The Brahmaviharas are not an extra module that you practice in addition. They are a common thread that can flow through everything we do:
- How do I react in a conflict?
- How do I deal with difficult feelings – my own or those of others?
- How do I deal with joy, with good or bad news?
Even in meditation they are present. Anyone who has sat for a longer period of time may know the little troublemakers: boredom, frustration, fear. Here, too, the Brahmaviharas can change the inner attitude.
Not an ideal, but a path
It is easy to make the Brahmaviharas an ideal and then feel bad when you were “not friendly enough again”. But harboring feelings of guilt is not the point of this practice. We learn nothing from these feelings of guilt. But what we can probably learn from is when we observe exactly when and why we have no access to one of these qualities – that is also part of the practice. Then we can simply look:
What’s standing in the way? Fear? Pain? An old conviction?
Only when we begin to explore the qualities in this way in everyday life, explore the obstacles and the aids, then they become alive and authentic for us – and do not remain mere beautiful words.
Mini-exercise – Simple Metta
Sit down comfortably. Briefly feel your body. Notice if there are pleasant or unpleasant feelings right now.
Now greet these experiences like guests – no matter whether they are loud and demanding or quiet in the background. You don’t have to change anything about them, fight anything. Let them be there, as you would offer a guest a seat, and then turn to the next experience with the same benevolent attitude. Do not dwell too long and remember that welcoming, not “improving”, is the core of the practice.
Stay with it for a while. See if your attitude towards the experiences changes.
Three questions to take with you
- What qualities characterize your relationships in everyday life – towards yourself, others, and experiences and events?
- What happens when you stop trying to change the experience – and instead focus on your attitude?
- Which of the four Brahmaviharas comes easy to you, which feels more foreign?
